you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
she peed on how many people?
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize