omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
