if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Randomize
