please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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