I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
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