she looked like the before picture.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Randomize
