got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
