i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
