I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
