I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
