Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
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