If i come over, it means nothing
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
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