maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I need a beard to bite.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
Positive reviews on angieslist?
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