I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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