a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
