A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
