so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Floor bacon is actually really good
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
