I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Your penis caused this!
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
