My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
