Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
