trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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