I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize
