I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
