why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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