I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Randomize
