I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
