Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
