there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
