If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Randomize
