He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Randomize
