I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
