Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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