If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
