dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
