:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
