The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
