I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
