just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
