i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Randomize
