Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
