I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
