I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
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