I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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