I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
