I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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