My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
