Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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