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My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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