Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
