im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
